I read something recently in a book called The Tools by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels about commitment that seems closely related to this question. The authors write: "The biggest difference between those who succeed and those who fail at any endeavor is their level of commitment. Most people would like to be committed. But in practice, commitment requires an endless series of small painful actions."
This got me thinking about what I was really committed to and how I knew. Maybe you have made a commitment to something--or maybe you want to--or maybe you thought you had but following through is proving a real challenge. Here's where I started to look to understand my commitments.
Do you know why this matters? The answer here needs to be big--and personally meaningful. Something like, "exercise" isn't big enough. It should be something like "I want to be healthier" or maybe even, "I want to feel better about myself." It's important to really care about your why. Sometimes I get hung up here and pick something I think I should care about, or that other people care about for me. This is a sure way to end up with an obligation rather than a commitment--and I tend to find more guilt than inspiration on that road.
Let's look at that early yoga class--and the moment when push came to snooze. Getting up was a small, painful action. Was I committed to the yoga class though? I actually dragged myself out of bed for the feeling I get from yoga--the physical exercise of it and also the mental peace it brings me. Yoga is simply a tool to achieve that end, but my commitment is to more internal balance and less stress. Yoga class, or getting there, is sometimes a small, painful action. To keep my commitment, I need a good enough reason to choose that pain or when the going gets tough...you know the rest.
There is a critical importance to knowing the why of any commitment--and there is a necessity for actions that support it. Do you have action steps and habits to help you do the big thing you want to do? In my example, the big thing I want is more balance, maybe I should even call it inner peace. Going to yoga regularly is the action I take to help me achieve that. It's a habit for me now to pack my yoga bag, roll up my mat and take them to work. That makes going to yoga regularly a lot easier. That makes feeling balanced a lot more possible.
Without actions or habits to hold onto in the day to day reality of my life, a big desire rarely translates into an actual commitment. My tool didn't have to be yoga. It could have been meditation, or it could have been kickboxing. What mattered was that I found something that worked for me. Taking actions or developing habits that support your desire is where the rubber meets the road. When there's something you want, it's worth figuring out specific things you will do to get it and making those actions as much of a pattern as possible so they stick.
This practice of incorporating actions and habits, however, calls for patience. Sometimes I forget that instilling new habits takes time--even when the why is really meaningful. (I've heard statistics ranging from 30-50 days as the time frame it take to change a habit.) I tend to want the change to happen in the time it takes for me to make the mental commitment--and if it doesn't, I can feel discouraged. If I try to change too much at once, I can get overwhelmed and if I try to change too little, it seems to have no impact and I lose my motivation. It's a fine balance--picking things I can do and taking on enough to see the progress.
The other kind of patience it's important to maintain is patience with yourself. I usually expect myself to be able to carry off a commitment without faltering--and then when I mess up or don't follow through perfectly, I am disappointed and consider giving up. In moments like that, I need to remind myself that the small, painful action here is picking myself up and trying again. My patience needs several layers--and when I want to follow through on a commitment and still am not, this is often where I find the breakdown.
It's important to commit wisely--for I am coming to realize that commitments don't start hard and get easy. A real commitment--staying married, building a secure financial future, doing what you love with your time--always includes a challenge. Master one challenging aspect and there's another behind it. Keeping those commitments despite the challenges requires strategies we can rely on--over and over--and it requires the right motivation and mindset to stick with it.
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